My son has a friend (let’s call him M.) who plays lots of gun and fighting games with his dad. M.’s behaviour can be quite violent at times and Big Boy has been replicating some actions and phrases that terrify me (like pointing his fingers at someone immitating a gun and shouting ‘Die!’).
Part of me is so distressed by it that I want to never let my son play with M. again. But I know that this is not a solution. We can’t shelter our children from everything and sooner or later Big Boy will have to face peer pressure when I am not there to influence his choice. It is my reponsibility to teach him to make the right decisions for himself and I can’t do that by running away.
Some situations are pretty straightforward and Big Boy is coping just fine. Once I overheard the following conversation between the two boys.
‘Let’s hit Little Monkey’ (M.)
‘No.’ (Big Boy)
‘Why?’
‘Because it hurts.’
Violent pretend games are another matter. When I tell him that guns hurt and kill people Big Boy responds, ‘It’s not real. We are just pretending.’ True, but games are how children learn. What they practice today in play may very well become what they find acceptable in real life tomorrow.
It is very hard to explain this to a 4-year-old. So far the most effective answer I have come up with is this, ‘M. plays guns because he doesn’t know that there are better games. Maybe next time you can show him and you can play firemen, doctors or teachers. You can build houses, cook meals, fly airplanes…’ (at this stage Big Boy usually joins and starts adding his own favourite games).
But sooner or later the question comes up again. ‘Why does M. have guns and I can’t have any?’
How do you discourage violent games?
Hi, I'm Tat. I believe that through motherhood we're given another chance to find ourselves, grow and shine. I have three beautiful children and I learn a lot from them every day. This year I'm searching for ease in everything I do.
My oldest is 2, and I am yet to encounter this.
For now, I don’t allow toy guns, knives or any other violent toy, and I can safely say he’s never even seen anyone play any violent games or anything, even at the PlayGroup we attend.
I know one day it will come up, but based on his friends and the games they play, I am hoping it’s not until Primary School where he’ll be old enough to understand why I don’t like the idea of him playing such violent games.
I think it’s wonderful that Big Boy didn’t want to play “let’s hit Little Monkey”, I think he’ll soon get over the toy gun idea, when he’s already clever enough to play friendly to avoid hurting people. Well done there, you should be proud
Tara @ Our Whirlwind Adventures recently posted..Mummy Face-Palm Moments
Thanks, Tara. Yes, I am really proud of him. When my husband asked later why I didn’t interfere I said, ‘Because I didn’t need to. Big Boy had it all under control.’
I’m with you and dislike any violent games. I don’t think there is a place in our society for fake guns etc. Turn on the television and you can see the destruction these weapons cause.
I have two girls and a boy – my girls thankfully have always been swayed away from those types of toys…although once my boy gets of age I’m sure we are going to have the same issues.
Oh, such a GOOD question! And if I had the answer, I’d write a book and publish it. Seriously!
It’s a tough issue. We don’t have guns either, and everyone I know who has boys say that they are as obsessed with them no matter what they (the parents) do. Quandry. Discourage and explain. And don’t feel bad. That’s what I do. And I’d limit the time spent with M. We have a neighbour who sounds like M. We limit the time they spend together and watch carefully!! All the best as you work through this one. And let us know if you find the answers! xx
Kymmie recently posted..this week i tried something new- entered a whole new world
I have NO idea. My son has never been exposed to those sort of games but just the other day he cocked his finger at me and said ‘bang you are dead’
Shocked me.
I didn’t have a clever or educational retort, I was rather annoyed at him at the time anyway, so I just said ‘fine, if I am dead YOU can make dinner’
He hasn’t done it again… heh.
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo recently posted..UnBloggable
First, I’d have to explain again what ‘die’ and ‘dead’ means and why dead people can’t cook dinner. I’m not sure my last explanation got through.
Hi Tat! (Sounds like we are eastern european sisters. I am from Ukraine!)
I was browsing through your posts and after reading this one, which is such an important topic in today’s culture, remembered about a post that my teacher friends wrote on the subject. I thought I would share it with you, if you were interested. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this:
http://tumbleweedinfanthouse.blogspot.com/2012/06/can-i-shoot-you.html
Thank you for sharing this post! This is certainly a very creative way to turn a shooting game into something completely different that is more about learning and connecting.