We try to teach our children that their bodies are their own and no one has the right to do to them anything they don’t like. And yet, how often do we insist that they give kisses and cuddles to their grandparents, aunties and uncles, often against our children’s will? Aren’t we sending a mixed message?
These are not my thoughts, but Jennifer Lehr’s from “Good job!” and other things we shouldn’t say or do, who shared them in the latest Organic tribe call.
It got me thinking…
I come from a culture where people don’t automatically kiss and hug each other when they meet. If you meet me in person and you want to give me a hug, I won’t pull back, but I won’t initiate it unless I’m feeling exceptionally emotional or you’re my best friend and I haven’t seen you for 6 months. Even as an adult I often feel uncomfortable with hugging and kissing people I don’t know well. That’s why I’ve never expected it or actively encouraged my children to do it. But my husband’s family is different. It is customary for everyone to hug and kiss each other every time they meet or say goodbye.
I remember some time ago my husband offered rewards to our children if they kissed and hugged grandma and grandpa once they got to their place. I felt strongly against it, but got overruled on this occasion. At that time the connection between forced hugs and offering your body to please someone else had not crossed my mind, but I still felt that I wanted my children to build a genuine relationship with their grandparents, one that happened over time. I didn’t want them to show outward respect but then just visit for the treats that they were getting. Taking Jennifer’s thoughts one step further the whole situation can be seen in a different light – we were paying our children to use their bodies to please other people.
We’ve been blessed with strong-willed children who are in touch with their feelings and not easily swayed by rewards. My husband’s plan never worked. The children didn’t start hugging grandma and grandpa until they felt comfortable enough to do so. It shows that children will develop relationships in their own time and there is no need to push them. If we do, they may or may not get the message that their bodies are tools for pleasing others… but why take the risk?
Linking to IBOT at Diary of a SAHM.
Hi, I'm Tat. I believe that through motherhood we're given another chance to find ourselves, grow and shine. I have three beautiful children and I learn a lot from them every day. This year I'm searching for ease in everything I do.
Wonderful post. I am the same as you know overly physical with people. I had never thought of the message we would be sending by forcing the children to kiss/hug people. Mind you it is also not something we forced the kids to do.
Rhianna recently posted..Getting out more than you put in
I totally understand where you are coming from. In our culture its a thubg that we do that we shake hands and kiss the cheek 3 times. My kids will do that to their grandparents and aunts and uncles but not to the people we don’t really see very often. It’s considered rude if they don’t do it thry have got used to the fact that theybhave to kiss their grandparents before we leave their place. It’s just something we grew up with.
salz recently posted..My Apology
Yeah that’s an interesting thought.. but I think if u just get the message through to the kids to not deal with strangers, then hugging grandparents etc is ok.
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My daughter can be very shy and at times I found it frustrating because I guess other people were seeking her warmth and love, and so it made me feel awkward, perhaps a bit like yr hubbie felt, it is really about his feelings and not wanting his parents to feel unloved/offended etc. however I read an interesting take on this by Steve biddulph who wrote how you can teach yr kids not to be shy, and show children different socially acceptable responses just like we show them other social graces. Over time I’ve persisted, just by talking to poppet about what I expect her to do in certain situations, such as with her grandparents. I don’t force her of course but she’s learning and it’s working out nicely for all.
Bachelormum recently posted..Mother of all contrasts
Both my children started off as very shy. Even as babies (3-4 months) they wouldn’t let anyone touch them that they didn’t know. What has worked for us (mind you most of it wasn’t intentional, I was just following my instincts), was not pushing them, being equally accepting of them whether they behave in a socially acceptable way or not and role modelling, role modelling, role modelling. It can be frustrating how long it takes (especially if it’s your first child and you don’t know if they will every lift their eyes and say ‘thank you’ to people, let alone hug them). But they do come around to it once they are ready and then you know they’ll know what to do whether you are there or not.
I have been thinking about this very thing recently…we are an affectionate family, but I myself am not overly. Hugs and kisses weren’t doled out when I was a kid. My husband and my child though are very physical, and it has helped me relax and enjoy physical affection a lot more…
But I do agree, children’s bodies are their own, and they shouldn’t be forced into a hug or a kiss. It has to come naturally for them. They have remarkably good instincts, and can usually tell if a hug or kiss is ill-intended.
I remember a doctor who my dad used to work with chasing my 4 year old brother down the corridor, tickling him. My brother hated it. The man was 6ft6 and president of the gun society in town. It was very odd of him to chase my brother, when he clearly didn’t like it.
“People are people no matter how small” (Dr Seuss) We need to respect them.
Great post.
(Linking with IBOT x)
Zanni, Heart Mama recently posted..This is our home
It’s exactly those instincts that I wouldn’t want them to lose!
I am not a hugger and definitely not a kisser. I don’t make my children kiss anyone, though I do ask them to hug grandparents.
It’s a very fine balance to find I think, but I completely understand where you’re coming from, and have had this internal conversation with myself many times before.
I don’t think anything should be forced, but I also believe very strongly in showing respect. Like I said, a hard balance.
I absolutely get where you’re coming from, yet at the same time, I often find myself encouraging them to hug/kiss my grandparents. We are a pretty huggy family and my grandparents are quite old, I don’t want them to feel sad. I hate when I catch myself doing it, though. Thanks for getting me thinking!
Becky from BeckyandJames.com recently posted..She’s 5
We’re quite a demonstrative family, we hug and kiss and cuddle but have never pushed our son to cuddle/hug/kiss our relatives, even close ones. If he gives them a kiss or hug of his own volition (he often does) that’s fine but we don’t push it or reward the behaviour. My family think I’m too reserved about it but really, I’m trying to protect my son by letting him develop his own instincts and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Kyla recently posted..Waste not
What a powerful post Tat! I had never thought of it that way before. You’ve given me a lot to consider! Not sure what side of the fence I’ll end up on, but it certainly got me thinking!
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A very good point – I cringe at that moment when a guest/family member is saying goodbye and tries to force a kiss or a cuddle out of our Pebble. DUDE! She’s not interested! She hugs when she wants to hug.
Kylie @ Octavia and Vicky recently posted..Tell me a story
It’s a very complicated issue. Sometimes I think there should be a school to teach you all this stuff.
Cipri @Travelocafe recently posted..Oranzeria Restaurant. Dinner With the Best Views of Krakow
Funny, my daughter has been taught this very well at school. She said it to me the other day and it made me think. Yes, it good they learn this – for obvious reasons. But it must be interpreted the correct way. We’re still their parents and they need to understand that sometime means we have to make decisions about their bodies for the general good. Balance. In all things balance
Caz (The Truth About Mummy) recently posted..Mums to be, are you getting the nutrients you need?
Can’t deny the wisdom in that. Although what decisions exactly are ok to take for them is arguable.
Interesting post, Tat, and interesting comments too. My mother raised this idea with me when my eldest was quite young. She put it to me in the context of tickling children. Not the little tickle on their tummy, foot or chin which makes them giggle, but the sort of tickling some do where they end up exerting their physical power over you and tickle you without letting up till you need to scream, “Stop!”. Tickling leads, at least initially, to laughing so I’d never thought a tickle was “wrong”. I still don’t in principle, but I can see how going more to an extreme, using power to impose ourselves onto children is questionable (unless it’s a safety issue). I see the same with forcing a hug or kiss. My littlest doesn’t mind with grandma, but my eldest is getting a bit resistant. I know it can hurt their feelings but instead of forcing her to get physical, I suggest instead she deliberately focus and say a proper “goodbye” and maybe just blow a kiss. She doesn’t seem to mind that less invasive approach. I don’t know how this will evolve over time but that’s how we’re doing it for now.
Veronica @ Mixed Gems recently posted..Chasing Light
There was a discussion about tickling on the same call, too. We like doing it because we take laughter as sign of enjoyment, but once we realise it’s not always the case, it makes sense not to do it, especially to pre-verbal children who can’t tell you to stop.
As far as cuddles go, my husband’s family was pretty pushy with my son at first, and it got to the stage where he’d scream as soon as he saw them (he was still very young at the time). Once they realised that the forced approach wasn’t working, they gave him his space and now he loves them and has no problem getting close to them. Some children are less protective of their personal boundaries than others, but I’d imagine it would always be better to let the relationship evolve naturally than force it.